Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - from A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

I know that Saturdays are usually reserved for a post on mythical creatures, but today I decided to forgo that, and write about something that's been on my mind for a while now.

Today, my blog hit and passed 1000 views. The majority came from Trinidad, a great deal from the US and Canada, and even some from Barbados, Sweden, Italy, Germany, Grenada, Japan and Australia. People at school still come up to me and tell me what a wonderful blog and how amazing they think it is. Apparently, no thought that an engineering student could be capable of such prose. Even the posts that I don't think will garner much views sometimes surprise me. But even all that is just part of what I've been thinking about.

I do Bible studies twice a week at school, with people from all over that campus. I was never really good in front of people, but now it seems that that's all changed. I stand in front of several people for an hour twice a week, some of who I never met before, and talk to them about a subject as touchy as religion without flinching.

Then came NaNoWriMo. I decided to take up the challenge to write a novel in the middle of all the chaos of engineering life. Last night I posted my idea for my novel on my Facebook profile. The general response I got from my friends was that it had the promise of the makings of a good novel. Combine that with the fact that I finally seem to be getting a grasp on my studies, to the point where I can explain entire topics to others.

You would think that I'd be happy. My writing is taking off, along with my education and spirituality. I feel as if I'm racing at 400 miles per hour, my surroundings blurring around me. Nothing can touch me. I feel invincible.

But I'm not happy.

I am scared.

Scared that I know for a fact that I am not invincible. Scared that while I'm traveling at such a high speed, that I'm going to trip over something and tumble down. Hard.

I'm afraid that if I try to do NaNoWriMo, that I won't be able to finish 50,000 words in a month. Or that even if I finish, the novel would be incredibly crappy, that everyone would wonder why they even thought that someone from Engineering could even write. Or that even if it's good, that I'd fall short in my studies and screw up my GPA. Or that all of the above could happen simultaneously.

I'm afraid that I'd show up for Bible Study one day and find no one. Or stand up in front of everyone and say something incredibly stupid or heretical, that would make everyone question whether or not I'm fit to be the Bible Study coordinator.

I'm afraid that all this hype about my blog is just that: hype. That everyone is going to eventually stop reading it and I'd be left post stuff that no one would read, save my mom and the random web surfer who made a wrong turn at Google.

I feel as if one day my bubble is going to pop with a sound so loud that it's going to rupture my eardrums and leave me senseless. So I try not to feel proud or to blush when someone complements my work. I try to tone down any time someone praises me, writing it off as no big deal. I work hard at hiding my achievements so that the world won't see how big it's gotten. and the harder I try to do that, the more I find myself broadcasting it to the world. I don't like being so high up. I want to go back to being insignificant.

I st down today and thought about all these things, and what exactly I was going to do about it. While I was in the middle of this, the weird thought popped into my mind. It was actually more of a memory. I remembered that when I was a kid, probably about 5, I heard someone say something about a collage on TV. I asked my mom what a collage was exactly and if she could help me make one. So she gave me some old pictures to cut up and help me stick them to a piece of bristol board. I thought that it was the most awesome thing in the world. Around the edges, she had me write a Bible verse I had memorized. It read "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." The words struck me like a solid blow. God had never meant for me to be afraid. Scared people can't never do His work. And He always grants courage to those who walk with Him.

Right there and then, I decided not to be afraid anymore. I wasn't going to worry about things that haven't happened yet. I never thought that I have a blog with 1000+ views, and here I am today. I have no idea what I can achieve when I put my mind to. And even if I screw up, at least I'll know where I failed, and what I did wrong, and I'll be able to learn from my mistakes. The best part about falling down, even at high speed, is being able to get back up again. So I'll race ahead into the unknown future, leaving all my cares and worries behind, because I know that I have my friends, family and the God of the universe on my side. I'm still a little afraid, but I won't let my fear control me. I will control it. And I think that's the definition of bravery.


The end is uncertain/And I've never been so afraid/But I don't need a telescope/To see that there's hope/And that makes me feel brave - from Tidal Wave by Owl City